Tackling Tall Poppy Syndrome: Quit Procrastinating and Playing Small
Procrastination is the first sign. Clocking too much time on Facebook or Instagram is another. As are too many visits to the kitchen or the sudden urge to clean your office or house incessantly. Excuses for why you’re not following your dreams or taking the bold action required are also a dead giveaway.
If this sounds like you, you just might be stuck in self-sabotage.
The good news is, you’re not alone. Most women entrepreneurs, especially moms, will limit their own success at some point or another. It doesn’t mean you’re any less qualified or your product or service is any less valuable. It just means you’re scared to truly share it with the world. Self-sabotage feels a bit like you have your own lid firmly jammed on. You’re keeping yourself small, and in the process, selling yourself short. You feel like you’re not achieving your potential or fully living your dreams. It’s incredibly uncomfortable and that’s why we try to numb ourselves with distractions (enter the third coffee and snack for the day, or the need to check Facebook when you should really be writing that guest blog post). The truth is, if all of you truly wanted to succeed and achieve your dreams or take that bold action, you would have done it already- or at least you’d be well on your way. That sounds harsh, I know, but it’s true. Essentially, self-sabotage means you’re at war with yourself. I did my Masters work in Conflict Resolution. Although I largely focused on resolving conflicts between different countries and parties, I’ve found, strangely enough, that a lot of what I learned can be applied in dealing with internal conflicts. So, you might balk at the idea that you have your own little war going on inside of you, but hear me out...
The four most common causes of self-sabotage that I see in fellow mom entrepreneurs are:
1. The fear of being seen
As an Australian, I know this well. In my culture we have the awful ‘tall poppy syndrome’ where people can be criticized and cut down if they stand out and are too successful. But we don’t have exclusive rights to the fear of visibility. From what I can tell, it’s global and widespread. Let’s face it, there’s a common belief that being part of the crowd is safe. Standing out and being different is not. I have known this fear well throughout my life. I grew up on a boat in the South Pacific and when I finally went to school aged eight, no one wanted to hang out with me because I was seen as ‘too weird’. I spent large chunks of my life trying to be like everyone else. Even though I’ve worked that belief to death, I still see it popping up in my entrepreneurial journey. Every time I write a blog or do a presentation that’s really authentic (like this one) I get scared. We all say we want to be successful, but do we really?Is there a part of you that’s afraid of standing out and being judged?Are you seeking comfort in the crowd?
2. The fear of being a bad mother and wife
Pursuing your big dreams takes something. Maybe you feel like you’re already taking time away from your family in order to pursue your dreams. You feel guilty that you’re often working on your business when you really want to (or think you should) be connecting with your family. You’re passionate about your business and it’s easy for you to get sucked in and spend hours and hours on it. Maybe you’re scared if you were too successful you’d neglect your kids and husband, and you hate the thought of that. These are all common fears that we have as mom entrepreneurs that can hold us back on a subconscious level.
3. The fear of not being liked
You might worry that people won’t like you as much if you’re too successful, or if you break the status quo of your relationship and do something new. Maybe you worry that your friends or family would no longer relate to you if you’re too successful, or that your partner would be intimidated. All of these things probably sound silly when we actually say them, but the fears in our head are not generally well thought out, logical arguments. They’re raw emotions that are linked to situations we’ve experienced in our past.
4. The fear of failing
Maybe you’re afraid of putting yourself fully on the line and committing 100 percent to something and then it being a big flop. Maybe you’re afraid of the embarrassment and shame you think that would create and possibly worried that you would disappoint the people you most love. In this case, it seems safer to just play the middle ground. Maybe you’ve tried other businesses or projects in the past that have flopped and you’re worried what people will think of you if you fail again. These are just some of the many reasons you may be sabotaging your own success. Self-sabotage is like an inner tug of war. On one hand, you have the side of you who is passionate, motivated, and inspired to boldly achieve your dreams. But then, you have the other part of you who’s scared of what will happen if you fully go after those dreams. They might both be you, but they’re pulling on opposite sides. Your job is to bring them together. The mistake I see far too many people make is to try to resist or reject that part of them. But, what you resist persists. The more you reject that part of you, the more tenacious she will become. The first step in dealing with any conflict is to stop resisting it as something wrong, and rather see that it is an opportunity for growth, learning, and change. In order to do this, we need to understand that both sides have a positive underlying motivation that is valid and worthy of being listened to. Yes, that even includes the part of you that leads you to waste hours on Facebook when you know you really should be writing that presentation or launching your course. Next time you find yourself procrastinating from a big project or playing small, don’t label yourself as lazy. Rather, ask yourself what you’re afraid of and what you’re protecting yourself from. How can you make that part of you whose scared and trying to protect you feel heard? If you can do that she might just move aside so you can quit procrastinating and start boldly achieving your dreams.